july 28

after some computer difficulties...i had to get mine cleaned...i am now back. this week was a bit better than last week so i am glad. i still have a long way to go but a little at a time. bryce has now graduated to the schooler room( when he is good at least) and is having a bit of trouble adjusting to being the youngest now instead of the oldest. if he doesnt watch himself one of the older kids just might take a round out of him. he is really good with younger kids but doesnt haave much experience playing with the kids his age or older. it will come tho.
i really dont have much to say but i did want everyone to know that i am still here and still pugging away.
i will try to post more a bit later.
T

baby steps are over...

...since sunday i have been taking giant steps...backwards. i havent posted because i cant even begin to put in words whats going on. i broke down last night and took a gravol just to get some sleep but that didnt even seem to help. i am weepy for no reason, very cranky, frustrated, feeling like i just dont care, have no desire to do anything or see anyone, i dont feel like eatting, im just...i dont know.hopefull this will pass soon. one day at a time right? these days just dont seem to end lately one day just blends into the next and i go on. my customers even are trying to send me home now noting how tired and beat i am.. i am just overwhelmed with life in general right now and very confused as to what i feel or what to do now...

july 16

had a great time with Ruch today. i cant believe how grown up and mature she has become. we went out for brunch then a shopping spree before she left to the farm. and guess what...after trying on every pair of shoes she and Bryce brought me, i foung a pair that will fit(sort of)over my brace. i guess iy prooves that with evough determination the seeminly imposible can be achieved. then with their constant coaxing, i found two great outfits that look good on me... a nice pair of pants, two tanks and a really great skirt. it is so slimming and i feel pretty good in it. a first in a long time..i really wasnt planning on spending any money on myself, but im glad they convinced me to
after three hours in the mall i was so beat i had to come home and have a nap. my leg hurt so bad that it even hurt to sit so maybe i should start a bit slower and maybe in time i will be able to do a bit more. at least we all had good, quality, fun together while it lasted.. i will admit i was getting grumpy and slow moving at the end but i am trying to learn how to control my moods when the pain increases and to control my frustrations at the numerous things i cannot do and focus on what positive things i accomplish-no matter how small. baby steps right?
i have found that if i accept the fact that i need to rest frequantly, and allow myself the right to take a break when needed, i dont get so overwhelmed and dont get quite so frustrated and angry.
i am also finding that i am not missing my meds as much lately so maybe that means that i am getting over the addictive toxins i had inside and the withdrawals are finally lessening up. i still cry lots but now it seems to happen mostly when the pain increases and not for no reason at all. i am also starting to get my appetite back, now i eat twice a day and i feel hungry before i eat. also a good sign as when i was on the medication i never felt hungry and could go for days without remembering to eat. forgetfulness was also a side effect of the pills. and i couldnt concentrate on anything.i was an avid reader before i got hurt but since then i couldnt concentrate on what i was reading and honestly didnt have the desire to read anyway. tonight i am going to try again. i have lots of great books i would like to read so i will try a few pages and see where that goes.
this is all for tonight so i will post more later.
T

just to see if i can do this

here is my version of dancing with dan at bryces request-not moving but it was still nice







almost brave enough for a helicopter ride--but not quite


here is the little cowboy in all his glory
he eas so proud and grown up this weekend. he even got over being shy and ventured out on his own

july 15

today i am weepy and i dont know why. i feel overloaded again. i am not sure what is wrong but everything is bothering me. today is a crazy busy day at work so maybe if i plunge myself into that and focus on doing a good job, it might help. i am getting frustrated with my staff and i talked to me DM and he thought maybe trying to train two people at one time is too much so i have one a day for now. also one is very disrespectful towards me and i have to write her up. i have never done that before but hopefully it will show her who is boss. she says she has a commitment this sat so i have to work. she went behind my back to the DM and got all next week off as well. since she has been with the company, she has taken almost as much time off as she has worked. and she is supposed to be full time. whats up with that.
i as well have a commitment on sat but who cares im the manager and it is my responsibility to make sure the store is open. my DM was understanding and told me if i do cashout at 1pm instead of 5 i can leave early and attend my event. very nice of him, leaving a new staff alone for the first time. i then just have to go back at 6pm to lock the store. so i guess i can deal with that. i will be taking half a day off in lew next week because of that tho.
my DM came to my house the other night to talk unofficially to me and to let me know he thinks i am doing a "fantastic job" and we will find me the right staff soon. i have lots of staff but they all refuse to work the same days or want holidays already and they havent even passed their probation period. what can you do.hey
got to go to work soon so i guess i should go get ready.
talk maore later
T

july 9

hi we made it back from Hudson Bay safe and sound. the trip was really hard on my leg but i tell you it was worth it. Bryce did such an amazing job of being the ring bearer. he looked so grown up and proud in his tux, cowboy hat and boots. i can sure see the resemblane to his uncle when he is all dressed up like a coyboy. the girls all chased him aroung calling "come here cowboy" so cute. he walked down the isle with the flower girl so proud, shoulders puffed out and a slight cowboy swagger. he did great the whole day until it came to the dance. this cowboy does not dance...not with mom and not with anyone. he was too shy. i got some really great pictures and he got to keep some cool stuff from the wedding..a fancy glass even (his wine glass from the head table) now he is very tired and wont admit it. i will admit i am beat. it has been a very long weekend but one that i have enjoyed greatly. it has been quite a while since i have gone anywhere or done much out of my presently boring routine.

i will admit that it was a bit uncomfortable for me. i did find a dress that fit and looked pretty good but it didnt hide my leg braces and i did get quite a few strange looks and even a few comments about it. i know they were just curious but it still felt wierd to have elderly people feel pity for me and just the looks they could give. it is hard to explain without seeing them. the comments werent meant to be mean but just curious but it still got hard to keep explaining myself all the time. this is just something else i will have to find a way to deal with. i just need to find a short way to explain it and hopefully just enough info to satisfy those who ask.
the first step i have made this weekend to make myself feel better about myself is realize that i cant hide my braces and i am just so uncomfortable if i try to so i didnt. people will see them and yes some will comment or stare but that is life right now. the second thing i did is that i cannot find a shoe to fit over my brace and i havent wore a real pair of shoes in two years now so i bought a slipper for my left foot and a real shoe for my right. if i was going to dress up and try to look good, it was time to do something nice for myself and wear a dress shoe-flat of course- but a real shoe none the less. and yes it was obvious i had two different pieces of footwear on but i was ok with that. i took many breaks when i got to hurting too bad and went back to the hotel to rest but i enjoyed being able to get out to do something real for a change. i was played out and hurting so bad i had to leave by about 10:30 but i juess i should start with baby steps. bryce had so many people around him that he was ok with me just watching this time and not once did he tell me i was boring.that felt good.
so this probable isnt quite what my sis had in mind when she suggested i post again to get things out instead of bottling them up, but i am new at this whole sharing my feelings here and in time i will get more comfortable in sharing and open up more.
take care for now and i hope i haveny made anyone too bored
T

july 6

after speaking with my sis, i vow to give this another try. i need a sounding board for some tough times i am going thru and this is where i will try. today is just to see if i can get this working again and i will start to post for real soon i promise